Brain Scatters before bed

Right now, when it comes to Him, at this very second (for who knows how I’ll feel by morning time) I feel used. Used, because how can you treat someone like they are so important to you, so trusted and wanted, and then flip it off like it meant nothing? How can you yell at someone that they aren’t special to you, and then lay in bed all night crying over it? How can you spend years almost kissing someone, always treating them like the one more special than any other girl, finally act on it, and then decide – what, oh well? How could he spend so many years treating me as he did, only to treat me like this now?

I’m over it, over him, over the way that he treats me, the way he behaves and lives his life, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still hurt. Doesn’t mean I don’t lapse into someday revenge fantasies in the shower. Doesn’t mean I don’t cringe or glare as the same thoughts drill over my head again and again, anger and hurt all over again.

And any time I catch glimpse or word of their new relationship I feel used again- used that he could suggest I was such a special person to him for so long and let me act on that, while never bothering to treat me like it.

I think it will take a long time to move past him, and so long as my life remains stagnant and unhappy, it’ll only go slowly.

Another thought on him- it angers me every time I see a picture of him happy. He’s such an asshole. I’ve been told so many times over the years how little he deserves, for that. I’ve been told how great I am, how much I do deserve. So why am I the one left unhappy? Why does he get to move on to la la smile land? It’s unfair.

***

I don’t like preschool. I don’t know that you could find a more unwilling preschool teacher. I’ve been there only two weeks, and already I’ve had more times that I would have loved to throw something, to snark back, to declare “I quit” with relish, than I could’ve imagined. I seem to grow in hatred for the place and drain of hope for another job in equal parts daily.

***

I’ve been dreaming odd dreams. Dreams within dreams, within dreams, peculiar epics all. I dream of someone stealing my dna from the wound I received while upset over him. Of traveling through unfamiliar places with groups of assorted and sometimes unexpected friends. Of waking up bewildered only to embark on some new chapter of strange. Most of all, I dream of fish. Of wading through shallow waters and finding tiny fish stuck to me with sticky scales, of trying to find someplace to wash them off, hoping I’m not killing them, suffocating or squishing them on the trip, of desperately rinsing. Of trying to catch the big fish in the tiny tank and being inexplicably upset.

I spent half an hour today looking up fish in online dream dictionaries. According to them, I am observing unconscious thoughts rising to the surface, or seeing an omen of weath, or trying to capture thoughts, or I am cold and unfeeling, or think I ought to be, or think someone or thing in my life is, or am pregnant, or want to be, or, if the fish were a carp, am in for some bad times. After googling to find out what a carp looks like, I think I can rule that one out.

Of course, all of these definitions referred to one seeing fish, as if passively observing. I do not find this helpful when I remember the sensation of the wiggling little fish adhered to my skin, the rising panic. My dreams do not fit in passive dictionary definitions.

***

So sure, everything else in life right now is making me unhappy. But one thing of late made me happy:

(500) Days of Summer. I found it delightful. I suggest you go see it.

What Wasted Unconditional Love

I’ve spent weeks trying not to relate to any songs so as to keep my heart hard, to keep functioning. This happened upon my ipod on the way home today and it occurred to me that it is actually something I can, right now, freely relate to.

Drifting

Life is so crazy right now. I don’t know what is going on.

I’ve never had a more dramatic camp. I’ve never had Him yell at me before, nor let Him know how much I cried. Everything with Him is pretty much over. My friends tell me Tom and I are”so totally” going to be together, but I think they’re overlooking a lot of things like his opinion on the matter. I’m about to start a job I don’t want.

I rather feel like I don’t know who I am nor where I ought to be nor what I want. I am feeling entirely untethered by even dreams of things. I feel like I am drifting.

Right now my friend is still here visiting, but she goes back east in only a few days, and then… then what.

I have no idea what is going on in my life right now.

But oddly enough, I do know all the lyrics to this song:

Stop Motion Ocean

Pro-cat-stination

I have quite a few pertinent emails and calls to return. Nice ones, too- offering me things, caring about me.
But all I want to do is sit here and not respond. Not out of rudeness, or any particular disinclination, really, just a vague desire to hold that moment- when there are several people caring about me, actively.
I got a call from an old friend yesterday. I told him how I haven’t stayed in touch with many people because whenever I try to describe my life it ends up sounding like everything is in the dumps, and I am very, very sad. Then I try to explain how really, things aren’t really that bad, though, and it sounds like I am in denial. So I just stopped trying.
I’m going out of town for a meeting in a couple weeks, and there will be time to relax and dally with friends who care. In my thoughts I warned them: I will probably either cry much more than you expect me to, or much less. Either way there is something wrong with that.
So instead of replying to these pleasant messages just yet, I will re-watch these another time:

Medicine for the annoyed soul

I have been mighty cranky lately. No, not cranky so much, but annoyed. I am heavily annoyed.
My friend is dating a guy I don’t like, and really, I don’t think there’s much to be done about it. I’m not gonna go all “wha wha, I don’t like him, pick him or me, whaa” because a) that’s stupid and b) it’s not really my business whom she dates and c) it might only push her away. But when I found myself unable to not say anything, I suggested in a most supportive fashion that she remember to maintain her self, allowing her to fill in the rest: and not completely lose herself in head over heels infatuation which might just burn out. That was weeks ago, btw. And she was so hardcore about it- agreed vehemently, she would not lose herself in him, would focus on herself, would remember her independent person…
I’ve barely seen her because she spends most all her free time with him, every night with him, all the time with him. Recently she told me how much we ought to hang out, she was going to call me today- and did, in time to tell me about how many hours she had been away from him and what a hurry she was in to get back. Plans we made weeks ago have lost all security and have been set adrift in a sea of last minute maybes.
Wha wha wha. I know I’m whining. But really, I am annoyed- annoyed as I would be with any good friend who did just as she declared she would not by going all MIA, diving headfirst into full-time devotion- and even more annoyed, because on top of her misbehavior, it is misbehavior for the sake of someone whom I really do not like!
So, whaaaa.

Here is a video of a duck snoring. At least while watching this, it is hard to be annoyed.

Cheer-Me-Up Video Segment

Tomorrow night is the premiere party for a music video/short film a friend and I were in some months ago. I don’t particularly want to go, actually. It was sort of a drunken shoot, and I ended up asking out one of the directors in front of his girlfriend. That doesn’t even matter that much, actually. I also met a guy I was really not interested in, who apparently was interested in me. The last time I had anything to do with him was when he tried to do a text message booty call after I had already stopped talking to him a month before. His friend began dating my friend, very awkwardly, and it ended quickly. Their other friend was witness to all of this, and tried taking a lot of pictures of me. So basically, there will be more guys offering potential awkwardness there than there will be people I know and enjoy (that count- approx. 1.5.)
Yet somehow, I’ve been roped into it. There was even an attempt to get me to perform in a dance number, as if I would want to draw more attention to myself there.
I’ve last-minute invited a guy I met recently, one whom I might just be romantically inclined toward, because it might be nice to have a pleasant date in the face of so much potential ugh. However, not only do I not know whether he’s around tomorrow or not, I also don’t know whether or not he’s interested in me. So.
This is all on top of me feeling dull and cranky ANYHOW, btw. So, Cheer-Up-Video Segment. This is TTC, a french rap group, as remixed by a DJ Orgasmic. Here you go:

funny ad

Before we begin, let me just say: this is not an endorsment of tmobile (though I do use them) nor any kind of blackberry. This is just some humor.

Ok! Let’s begin!

This. Have you seen this? It makes me giggle and laugh OH. SO. MUCH. literally everytime I see it. So I’m sharing.

Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe! “My butt just hung up on you. Sorry.” Heee! Oh, lordy goodness.

reaction time

Tomorrow is my first day back to work, and probably also my last day at this job. I don’t have to be in until noon, which is why I don’t mind that, even though I would like to be sleeping right now, I am not. There are a few reasons why I am not.
Here, listen to this song while you read- I heard it for the first time in a long time today, and remembered how much I liked it, and have just listened to it three times, so it is appropriate soundtrack to this entry. Go ahead, just press play and let it go while you scroll down.

Got it? Ok, now then.
“Why I Am Awake”
Today I slept in. I spent the night at a friend’s house because it got too late to attempt getting home. We were still awake around 4am, so we slept in until noon or so. Sleeping in that late doesn’t help one to fall asleep at an decent hour later.
Also, a couple hours ago I was at a coffee shop, drinking chai. I had meant to get some calming, non-caffeinated tea, but instead I got chai. Now, I have trouble believing it, as caffeine intake normally gives me such terrible jitters it’s ridic, but purportedly chai has a buttload of caffeine in it. This would also not help me to fall asleep.
And! Tonight I saw Revolutionary Road. I don’t want to get into it too deeply right now, because it hit me so hard that I would like to devote more time and words and space to the thoughts it has inspired, but as a preface, let me just say, Woah. Also, Ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Don’t get me wrong: I fully recommend it. It is a very high quality film. But it has made me sick. Like, physically, actually, literally sick. I am nauseated, and my chest aches. That is how hard this movie has hit me. This does not make laying down all that particularly enjoyable, to begin with. Making sleep-matters worse is the fact that every time I give my mind a seconds pause, as one is likely to do when letting oneself fall asleep, images from the film appear before my closed eyes. Stark, crushing visuals that flatten my chest and heart, causing a pressure that forces tears to roll out of my eyes.
So! “Why I Am Not Asleep (or, A Summary)”
I slept in this morning. I drank caffeine not long ago. I am nauseated and achey in connection with the visual memories that keep making me cry. And finally, this emotional pressure in my chest is making it impossible to draw in a satisfying yawn. The heartache is taking up too much room in my torsol cavity.
Oh, dear.

Entertainment while I do stuff

This job I have now is awesome. The art is that sort which came about from a kooky idea that should have been impossible, yet is not, and that’s such a great type to make. I like my boss, I like almost all of the people I work with, and I can even be fairly amused by the ones I don’t. I’m good at what I’m doing. The only problems are as follows:

1- My poor fingers and hands and arms. They are covered in scratches and tiny rips and needle pokes and dirt and dust and fibers from all this craftsy artsy stuff. My fingertips are so sore! And filthy!

2- Seriously? No jokes? While working this job, I sneeze out black velvet. It’s funny, but kinda gross, too.

3- The work is going much more quickly than planned, meaning a three week job might only last about a week and a half. Meaning half the employment time and half the pay I was expecting. Good for the boss’s budget, bad for me.

and 4- I AM SO FREAKIN TIRED. It’s kind of nice, because it’s the good kind of tired, the kind from having worked hard all day at something I am good at and enjoy, but still, jeez oh man, i am EXHAUSTED. The other night I came home, turned on the tv, sat down, and then opened my eyes to realize two shows had gone by. I was that tired.

As such! I am too tired to blog. There are things about which I am sad, and things about which I am happy, and things about which I am hopeful, and so on, and so on, but I am simply too tired to write about them. In fact, I am astonished that I have even written this much, and really, that just speaks to my helpless tendency to be long winded in the written word. But!

Since I am too tired, but do not want to neglect my poor little blog, even though I doubt I have any regular readers (hello? anyone out there?) I went looking for a funny little video I had seen days ago, and found this rather interesting bit instead. Watch, enjoy, I’m too tired for segue.

Hell, I’m too tired to make this embedding work. Just go here.
kthnxbye.